“ The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness. ”



Although it relates to feelings of melancholy and fond memories of things/people/days gone by, it can be a rush of sadness coupled with a paradoxical joy derived from acceptance of fate and the hope of recovering or substituting what is lost by something that will either fill in the void or provide consolation.

for what it is

was awaken from my slumber to sleepy morning. it was six past midnight. i had to get up for my appoinment. prepared myself, showered, shaved my face and so on. did not have breakfast as i was instructed not to by the nurse 2 days back. no matter. used to skipping breakfast anyway.

flagged a cab and took it all the wasy to sgh. a cloudy day, with all the sloppiness lingering on me, i dragged myself out and entered the hospital.it was only seven thirty. too early, told my parents to head to the cafeteria; just to let them have some breakfast.

proceeded to the endoscopy centre.registered and once the administration part was over, i was led to the waiting point. not a long wait before my name was called. entered a typical operating like theatre. was made to lie down and the nurse administered some local anethesia into the throat and some sedative agent through my veins. before i knew it, i was gone...

next thing i know, i was in the recovery room. everything that was strapped on my was removed and i made my way down the bed. not easy. it felt like my soul was just returned to the body without much tuning; loss all sense of balance.hardly enough, i walked to the waiting room and was given a drink and a light snack. milo tasted like water and there was no effort needed to swallow it, everything just went down like i'm missing a throat.

saw other patients in similar state. the lost faces, dead-eyes and mild swinging, even while sitting on chairs. i knew how it felt. i was only trying my own to hold my balance.

what felt like a ten minute nap was actually an hour or so. lost all the mind power to even wondered why it was so.after some time for recovery, i was called upon to view some pictures of what they saw and snapped a picture or two,no, make it four,wait, i can't even remember...

no surprise, some of it look like ulcers;instead,i was told it was bacterial infection. really?how come i'm giving more acid controlling drugs then?no antibiotics?don't bother.i guess i already knew. so right, it has come to that point. a stronger drug's being given. fortunately, it's only one type and smaller in size, but bigger the price.

so that was it.i saw what i need to see. how far has it gone and what i can expect next.no matter really. i don't mave much of my mind with me now. thanks to the sedation, i feel like half of my soul hasn't return yet...